Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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