T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Randomize
