ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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