he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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