New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize