i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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