I skipped work to stalk him.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
