Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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