drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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