As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
