Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
