phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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