got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
