I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
