OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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