Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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