I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
