You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
