Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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