Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize