you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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