What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
