wanna go halves on a baby?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Drake has all the answers
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
