worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
