oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
