An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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