I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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