Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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