i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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