Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
