how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
