I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
