My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
wanna go halves on a baby?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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