I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
We talked him into tasing himself.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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