3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
