had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
