My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
