Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
