Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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