I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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