So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
