I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
