I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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