So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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