So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just found puke in my bra..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
