I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize