My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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