I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
