Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
