Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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