At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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