Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
