somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My dick has a subreddit
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
