Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
