Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize