You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
