I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
As shirtless as possible
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
