maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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