I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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