sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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