guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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