I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
