the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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